Alpha Framing: Defining The Self

jeffbergen

“If you don’t define yourself for yourself then you will be crushed into other’s fantasies of you and eaten alive.” - Audre Lorde

People tend to be self-conscious creatures. We don’t like to admit it. When other people try to judge and define us, we like to hide behind a grim façade and say things like, “I don’t care what you think of me,” and “You don’t know me!” We don’t like to be told who we are; we don’t like to be told what to do.

The thing is, when it comes to other people, we often let ourselves be subconsciously manipulated or otherwise altered by their opinions. We say that we don’t care what other people think of us, but that usually doesn’t stop us from dressing a certain way to impress others in public. It doesn’t stop us from being afraid of screwing up if we’re put in a situation where we have to talk in front of a crowd. It doesn’t stop us from acting certain ways for the sake of approval.

We’re kind of trained to do that from birth. When we’re young, we seek out the approval of our parents. As we get a bit older, we start worrying about the approval of our friends. Still later, this extends to our classmates, and pretty soon, it’s society itself that we’re worried about. And as much as we like to say that it doesn’t bother us when someone, say, disapproves of our conduct (like, how we tie our shoes, or how we wear fur, or how we ride skateboards outside of government buildings at night), that’s not usually true. We do care.

Sometimes, we care way too much.

That’s why I’ve prefaced this piece with a very particular quote from Caribbean-American writer and activist, Audre Lorde. Another quote I’d like to use right now, from George Bernard Shaw, is this one: “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

I use quotes in this piece because these individuals have said it far better than I could. They’re succinct, direct, and simple.

We spend our entire lives wondering who we are. If you’re lucky, it doesn’t take you too horribly long to figure it out. Maybe you’ll figure out your path in life really early…like, you decide when you’re eight years old that you want to be a firefighter or a teacher or…hell, a bus driver (I don’t discriminate; follow your dreams!). Maybe you realize in college that you want to dedicate your life to helping the less fortunate, and you join a charity organization. Maybe you spent forty years in one job only to realize that it’s not your true calling, so you switch.

This isn’t a surprise for most of us; the revelation that we don’t know what we want out of life is a difficult one, but a common one. Every handful of years, we’ll come to a realization that everything we once thought we understood about the world was absolutely, pathetically wrong.

One of the reasons we might come across these pivotal, world-shattering moments is because we so often allow ourselves to be influenced by other people. We let our political beliefs be governed by news coverage; we let our spiritual beliefs be defined by our families; we let our career beliefs be held sway by public perceptions of success and prestige.

Not only does this almost always lead to a situation where we eventually have to struggle with the idea that we actually hate the path we’re taking in life, it also sets us up to ruin peoples’ expectations of us. For example, let’s say your parents really wanted you to become a doctor, and you decide to do that because, well, it makes them happy and you get to help people, and besides, doctors make a ton of money, right? Doctors are respected, revered, even. It’s a win-win situation, right?

It’s also stressful, with horrible hours, and sometimes you have to face the idea that your patient is beyond your help. I recently watched a beloved family member succumb to lung cancer and heart disease. How do you think her doctors felt? Probably pretty awful. And if they didn’t, then that just proves that they’ve faced the death of a patient enough times to have come to grips with it. While healthy, it’s also really sad to think about.

What if you find out one day that you just can’t take that? That the honor and the prestige and the money just isn’t worth the mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. This is a very valid decision to make. But it’s also bound to make your parents, who were so happy that you got into such a noble profession, sorely disappointed. Even if they understand why you chose to do it, they’ll still be disappointed.

So what if you know that, and so you stick with it? Now you’re trapped in a job you can’t handle; you’re miserable. Probably angry, and nervous, and confused, and depressed. Or some combination of everything. This isn’t the fulfilling life you thought it would be. In fact, it’s the precise opposite.

Why did this happen? And why does it happen to so many people in jobs they don’t like, or houses they don’t like, or lives they don’t like? Probably because they didn’t define themselves. They didn’t create themselves. Instead, they let the fantasies and expectations of others define what they should do. This sense of confusion and dissatisfaction is why it’s so hard for an addict to kick the habit at the behest of someone else; and why the common gospel states that to really put an end to a destructive habit, the addict must do it for him- or herself.

Letting other people define your life decisions for you is a dangerous, destructive path to take, and it will almost always lead to a place where you’ll have to break the cycle and disappoint a lot of people…including yourself, for not doing it sooner

So if you’re in a situation where your instinct tells you to do one thing, even though other people (like your friends or family) are telling you to do something else…go with your gut. Do what you want to do. It’s your life, and that makes it your responsibility. So make it count, and don’t waste time fighting yourself to please other people.

Eventually, you’ll look back and thank yourself.