Mothers and relationships

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When you're a kid, you tell yourself that you will be the farthest thing from your parents, allowing your future kids to indulge in a rebellious stage and oppose the limitations that were part of your childhood. It's our little form of power, but whether we like to believe it or not, our parent's actions shape our behavior well into adulthood, including romantic relationships. I am definitely not a certified councilor or relationship guru, but I can tell you one thing: your relationship with your mother affects the kind of women you will pursue as an adult. It is just a natural feeling; men will be drawn toward partners that share characteristics with their mother, whether it is positive or negative. She's been there your whole life, subconsciously modeling certain values in her own marriage that influence your perception of other women.

While having a positive relationship with your mother can lead to healthy strides in a romantic relationship, unresolved issues can also affect you. If there were turbulent waters with your mom in any scenario, these unsettling feelings can arise in the relationship and create turmoil where the sensitive topic lies. Any man that has a great relationship with their mother will learn the core values about how to treat a women and in turn, it creates a healthy relationship to model theres after. Being fortunate enough to have a supportive mother can improve the quality of your own life by minimizing stress and strengthening points in your relationship where you can become more understanding. While this is a thrilling feeling, it is not always the case. Just like we internalize the good behavior around us, the bad soaks in too.

If you've had a difficult time creating a healthy relationship with your mother, it can negatively affect your partner and cause unnecessary fights. You may also pick women who may not be right for you based on your mother's turbulent past. For example, if your mother was irresponsible and did not prioritize closeness with her kids, you may be less trusting in relationships and veer away from attachment to your partner. The fear of creating a strong bond due to troubling issues in the past about the feeling not being reciprocated can stay with you, whether it is subconscious or not, but your partner has no idea why. It is important to address these inner issues in a number of ways so you can grow from the past. Couple counseling is often a great way to voice your issues in a unifying manner with the presence of someone who can guide you. Spending time by yourself to reflect on your thoughts can also be helpful. Try to think back to the past and if you did have some recurring issues, think about the course of changing it. What kind of mother would you want your partner to be? Working on healing your own issues and improving yourself is first before starting the relationship. 

Now.. on to one of the more tricky aspects of mother-son relations. The dreaded word that is harshly whispered around the holiday season: in-laws. The holidays are upon us and let's be honest, everyone stresses about that one family member making their visit to town and momentarily disrupting your daily routine. But the thing is, your partner's relationship with your mother is a crucial aspect of the relationship that cannot be overlooked. And this all starts with your attitude towards her. Women notice how a man treats his mother and it is a huge indicator about the kind of guy he is. It is one of the first lessons a son will come to know from his mother -- how to treat a lady. Women generally appreciate it when a son has the utmost respect for his mother, showing thoughtfulness and taking care of her with genuine love. But, there is a fine line between caring and being obsessive. Every woman still wants to feel like a priority and the idea of a "mama's boy" can send women running for the hills. If your mother is making routine visits to make you your favorite foods or do your laundry on the weekend, there will be some unsettling tension in your relationship. It also depends on the way you act around your mother as well regarding confidence. If your female counterpart notices that you are nervous around your mother, constantly rearranging your schedule out of fear or catering to her every whim, she will be utterly concerned. No one wants to feel that you are controlled and only doing things for your mother out of pure anxiety -- it shouldn't be an obligation, but rather a healthy mutual relationship. If it is done with control and guilt, your partner may resent your mother and your relationship with her. 

Some of the best ways to combat this tension is to have alone time with your mother that does not always have to include your partner. If you want to take your mother to Whole Foods for two hours on a Saturday because it makes her happy, do it. It can be an independent thing that you share together. On the same note, let your partner develop their own individual relationship with your mother, free of any pressure. If you have a strong relationship, but her and your partner struggle to get along, let it be respectful, but don't force them together - it will only create more tension. And maybe you and your mother have not been the closest, but she clicks with your partner. That would be a nice plot twist, and if you feel comfortable with that, let them do their thing. Above all, if you and your mother are having an issue, try to avoid getting your partner involved as they are put in an awkward circumstance. You can get mad in the moment and vent to your partner, but if they relay that concern, it is easy to also become defensive. When you vent, it is your own mother so no harm done, but your partner's comments can leave you annoyed. Try to keep it separate and leave room for both women in your life and give them the attention they deserve. Don't be afraid to unify them, while still creating a healthy divide as both women hold different significance in your life.